Shadows

This post was inspired by my friend Lisa Whittle's challenge @ http://www.lisawhittle.com/

Shadows lurk deep at my core. 

Cold, lonely, dark and musty places that evade light and cringe at the possibility of exposure.

 Shadows were my favorite friends for a long time.

They were a place to hide, deny, blame, simmer, boil

and indulge in ingratitude, self-righteousness and entitlement...

I lived in fear that if you really knew me, than you would know that I was much more of a mess than

I considered it polite to be and I just couldn't bear the thought of you knowing THAT.

Before my collision with Christ, I sat in yet one more therapist's office
and explained my desire to live a life of congruence.

For my words, my actions, my beliefs and thoughts to align.

No more pretending.

No more peeling back my layers in an effort to justify my actions.

No more focusing my attention on everyone else and how they were messing me up by

not measuring up to who I thought they should be.

Little did I know that this desire for congruency and transformation
would lead me to a full blown collision with Christ.

But He knew...God is funny like that.

So while I would love to bedazzle my experience by retreating to the shadows and telling you that this collision has always been beautiful and glossy...

it hasn't.

It has been messy, scary, doubt-filled, confusing, intimidating, lonely, disagreeable and oh-so very imperfect.

And some shadows remain.
And some seem to go away...only to return when I least expect it.

And sometimes the shadows fight for my attention and I want to feel the coolness and get lost in the dark.
Because I don't always want to trust, or pray, or surrender, or turn the other cheek, or forgive

or choose to see the best in another.

Sometimes I can be really ugly.
I don't want that to be true...but it is.

 I am after the kind of transformation that requires radical transparency.

The kind of radical transparency that knows nothing of shadows and hiding.

The kind that requires a willingness to dig deep.
And to not just revel in the pretty parts of my relationship with Christ but to shine a light on the ugliness and trust in a love that can sustain my pain and bring redemption.

Salvation did not make me perfect and it never will.

But I need a Savior.

I was a wreck without Him.

And on many days I am a wreck with Him.

And today I stand here in the light, radically transparent for all of you to see.