Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I am out doing my nightly walk around the neighborhood and I hear this verse from Proverbs through my headphones.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".
Guard my heart?
I think about this for less than a second, quickly concluding, "I've got this one".
I guard well. I always have.
Iron clad.
Protect... shield....defend.
Yep, this I know how to do.
I smile and I keep walking.
I am listening to an Andy Stanley podcast on marriage...on staying in love.
 He continues, explaining that in knowing my heart
I can better understand my often WILD reactions when someone
(most specifically my husband) "bumps" me.
His illustration is too cute.
A boy mug full of blue beads bumping into a girl mug full of pink beads.
Bumping one another with responses that leave them both unpeeled.
The beads are spilling everywhere.
It's messy.
It is a great illustration.
But then he shares this little tidbit of information that hits me right between the eyes.
No one (husband or not) brings out the worst in me.
The pink beads come out and make a mess because that is what is inside of me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on Andy...
The yucky stuff just lies dormant until I get bumped?
And the bumping can lead to a blame-filled explosion of words, emotions, behavior...even silence.
This is my wellspring?
This is what I get for protecting, shielding and defending so well.
A big fat tendency to rush right into DEFENSE mode rather than search my heart
for the truth about what is really going on.
And how much easier would it be if this struggle only happened in my marriage.
But no, this is a struggle in many relationships.
Relationships simply ignite my ongoing struggle with
rejection, disappointment, fear, lonliness, anxiety and a need to be right.
Do I need this much self-awareness?
Apparently I do.
Holding Fast and Believing in His power to transform,

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