FIXING

I have always been one to take matters into my own hands.

I am by nature a "fixer". 

For most of my life when something went wrong, I looked for a solution and got busy executing it.

It was instinctive and I was often unaware that I was doing it.

Especially when it came to relationships.
And people I love, loving each other.
And people I love hurting.

And I always thought that my "fixing" was a good thing.
I just wanted everyone to be okay.

Until I realized that I had a tendency to make myself and others crazy with it.

And then there is the glaring fact that most things are not mine to fix.
In an effort to experience "fixer" success, I became a therapist, which put me face to face with a lot of stuff.
Of my own.
And over time, I became a bit too devoted to my own self-interest, my own insight
and my own perspectives.
And in all of the me, me, me... I got real tired and real overwhelmed.
And started to run. By grace, my running led me to Christ.
And now I am learning to stop and trust.

 That joy most often comes with process.
And processes are not always pretty, or short, or fun.
This process of stopping has taught me to wait, experience and SEE.

To not seek my own understanding.
To not seek happy, safe and secure.
But to press into him,
and stand in the moment and feel the full range of emotions that has most often
 made me want to grab a magic wand
 and make everything better.

At least by my standards.

I am steadily learning to trust His process. And naturally there are bumps along the way.

I have friends and family that are sick with diseases that bring continuous pain and fatigue.
I want to fix that. I want healing.
I have friends broken by barely there marriages, financial crisis, spiritual crisis,
 emotional crisis, fear and an unwillingness to forgive and let go.

I sit with the kids at work and we play in the sand...the dollhouse...we paint with our toes and slay dragons.

I want to make their fear go away. To pretend the bad stuff never happened.
I want to take away their sadness, their anxiety, their anger.

And I am helpless to do that.

So I pray silent prayers to the ONE who can while we race cars
on invisible roadways and love on babydolls together.

I hold their stories.
I so badly want it to go away.

And I walk.

And I do my best to trust His process.

And it's hard sometimes, because more often than not I am a mess.

So I get it together (one more time) and press in and look up.

There is nothing to fear, nothing to hide from,
nothing that cannot be overcome and nothing that he cannot make right.
I am learning that I don't need to understand. I just need to stand surrendered.
Jesus Saves.
Trusting, believing, praying and holding fast,

• boys and brothers
• girlfriends
• long car rides with LAB
• my mama
• beach weeks with family
• Sara's grace
• music
• tailgating fun
• husband on vacation
• awesome teachers
• new bible studies
• chocolate chip and banana muffins
• candy corn pumpkins
• a morning with lucie
• the hard stuff that still points me HOME