The Land of Rejection

"Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8)

I have been focusing on the word "obey" this year and don' you know that God has just thrown open the floodgates and taken lots of opportunities to show me just how disobedient I really am.

And because I like to torture myself by processing everything to death...
my disobedience has pointed me in an unlikely direction. 

The rocky, yucky, prickly plains of REJECTION.

God has used the first part of this year to shine a big ol' bright light on how rejected I still feel and how hard I still work to avoid feeling that way.

Uggh. And to think that I had no idea that I am still so insecure.

So last night, in a hot bubble bath I took a little mental ride through history and into the present. 

 I ended up with a crinkled nose and squinched eyes...it hurt that bad.

Here is a little preview:

I am the girl who morphed into whoever and whatever you wanted me to be to ensure I had your approval and you didn't walk away.

I am the girl who rejected others in an effort to ensure that no one rejected her. 

I am the girl who obsessed over and rejected her own appearance believing that clothing, highlights and numbers on a scale would prevent you from knowing how imperfect I felt on the inside.

I am the girl who got married but did not trust that her husband could lead her family and tried to control everything, even him.

I am the girl who overmanaged every aspect of her life in an effort to avoid criticism and rejection and ended up so anxious she could hardly leave the house.
This next one really hurts:

I am the girl who just realized that her lifelong fear of rejection has been impacting her view of her own children. The girl whose vision has been clouded because she has been trying so hard to prevent them from ever feeling the way she did.

OH yes, girl.

Obedience is hard. God has redeemed so much. I am transformed yet far from perfected.

I have experienced His freedom.

And He is not finished.

But sister, I am still a scared, hot mess and this is so not an all inclusive list!

I am coming clean on this one in whole hearted obedience because this is where JOY comes from.

I know that God will bring me past this sneaky fear that often masks itself as something else and continues to creep in when I least expect it.

Nothing I ever do will prevent me or my children from feeling rejection.
This world is hurting and it will hurt them. It hurts me all the time.
But they are not me, they have their own calling and I will not scar them, hold them back or diminish their light with my fears...my brokenness.
Jesus saves.
  I will walk with Him in transparency and brave my imperfections.
I will make every effort to point my children solely in His direction.
 I will pray for Him to guard their hearts and minds as I witness their stories unfolding.

And I will remember that God uses everything. Every experience. 

Every bump, bruise and open wound.

And everything calls me to Him.

Counting and counting His grace...

• my youngest after a bath, "mom, i look shiny".
• glitter

• baseball with my oldest and the way God is using it to help me dig deeper and closer
• my niece's dedication
• my puppy who sees me through Jesus glasses

• seeing a friend in a parking lot and being so excited by her blessing counting
• "Bulletproof" and "Witness" by Nicole Witt played at full volume in my car

• a full and double rainbow after a scary storm
• blueberry muffins and scrambled eggs
• my husband who has been oh, so very patient with wonderful me and seen me through many seasons
• LAB who throws hundreds of balls and pitches without complaining and until they say they've had enough
• a dedicated, Jesus loving father for my boys who understands sacrifice and works so hard
• movie night, popcorn and snuggly boys
• sleep
• snow cones, hot dogs, chili fries, double bubble and pixie sticks for lunch